I Went Dairy-Free Like Khlo Kardashian And This Is What Went Down

As some of you may have noticed, Ive been very much about fad diets lately. I did my own tea cleanse thatended in disaster, dehydration and a burning assh*le.

But that didnot deter me.So here I am, back again with another wild endeavor. This time, I’m going a healthier route. I promise.

Im not overweight, but I have trouble maintaining my weight. I gain it very easily and can never seem to lose enough.Recently, Khlo Kardashian admitted in an interview that the reason her body has been looking so fierce lately is because she gave up dairy. She lost 11 pounds in a month just by not having milk products! It sounds so easy, right?

What Saint Khlo says goes. I would trust her with my life. So, I, too, am going dairy-free.

According to Diet Doctor(this website may not be an actual doctor), cutting down on dairy is essential to losing weight when youve plateaued. Dairy could actually be the culprit behind your slowing weight loss:

Dairy products all contain a varying amount of lactose (the milk sugar), which slows down weight loss. Whats more, part of the protein in milk generates an insulin response, which can have the same effect.

Unfortunately, I have an intense addiction to cheese, chocolate and essentially anything with dairy in it. Im already gluten-free, a side effect of being a basic white girl, so cheese has always been a kind of comfort food for me.

But as the old saying goes, Why have cheese when you can, instead, be sad? Come with me, little ones, on my journey down a cheese-less, chocolate-devoid existence as I attempt to lose weight and to get just a little bit closer to the goddess Khlo.

Disclaimer: I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons but in no way do I feel that anyone elseneeds to lose weight, and also probably no one should emulate me ever.

Week One, Day One

Step one was eliminating the delicious half-and-half I put in my coffee each morning. Goodbye, sweet angelic cream.

Bae and I spent about 500 hours in the dairy section of our bargain grocery store looking for almond milk.Every time I picked up a carton and readthe ingredients, I would say to anyone who could hear (sorry, Mike): What the f*ck is this? Because all the f*cking almond milk was full of bullsh*t sugar. You think you’re being healthy when you drink this? Well, you’re not.

So when we finally found one that said ~unsweetened~, I felt satisfied.

The milk was actually quite palatable. It tasted just like two percent milk, even thoughit mademy coffee look like Porta-Potty water on the third day of Coachella.

The stuff we get at Elite Daily is mad sweet and gross, so I was pleasantly surprised that giving up my half-and-half for my coffee wasn’t hell on earth.

The cheese cravings, though. I was justwaiting for them to begin. You can take the girl out of the mozzarella, but you can’t take the mozzarella out of the girl, ya dig?

Week One, Day Two

Bae and I went out to dinner and quickly realized that f*cking everything has dairy. I could not have the appetizer I wanted, because asiago is a cheese.

I asked our server if the asiago-crusted crostinis were dairy-free, and she looked at me like I was a crackhead who had wandered off the street. SoI went with the steak.

This restaurant is one of my favorites. They have this dangerously good apple pie la mode. I feltsuper blessed to not be able to have it.

Saint Khlo, you better be right about this, because I just spent $106 on a meal without having apple tart la mode.

Week One, Day Six

During lunchtime,I had a hard time deciding on salad because I go to a place where I get five toppings for $10. I have my go-to salad: chicken, tomatoes, avocado, almonds and mozzarella.

I couldn’t have moz because of this dairy-free bullsh*t, so I spent my entire time in line trying to figure out what to get. Making a salad is an art. It’s as delicate as navigating foreign policy.I couldn’t simply replace the moz. I had to completely rethink my choices.

On top of that, I couldn’t get my favorite chipotle dressing because it’s cream-based (I know, I know, it’s a salad, and that isn’t exactly a healthy dressing. Do you see why I’m dairy-free now?)

In the end, I ended up doing OK for myself. I went with chicken, egg, avocado, chickpeas and roasted red peppers topped with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

I was surprised at how light I felt after. I was full, but not weighed down. I felt like I was still functioning at top performance levels, not at all falling subject to that dreaded midday food coma.

Week Two, Day One

I decided to be a masochist and started Googling pictures of cheese.

I just had to look at them. I needed to remind myself of what I couldnt have. I’d beenmaking a lot of vegetables. I was getting really sick of f*cking vegetables.

Week Two, Day Four

After two and a half weeks of dairy-free life, my abs weremore defined. I feltlike the intense ab workouts I’d been doing six times a week werefinally showing. I sawthe line down the middle of my belly becoming more defined. It really was encouraging.

It might have been because I wascutting down on extra calories overall, but I really started to believe theyhype this day. Milk definitely slows down weight loss.

Week Three, Day One

Cream, cream, beautiful delicious creamy cream.

At this point, I missed the cream in my coffee more than I’d like to admit. Drinking it black was OK, but I didn’t exactly like it.

Almond milk was stillnot readily available, and when it was, it wasthe sugary kind. I certainly didn’ttrust the curmudgeons at Starbucks to keep sugar out of their coconut milk. So black wasessentially the only way to go.

I really wanted chocolate. Like so badly. The kind of chocolate cravings you only get when you’re on day three of your period and that sh*t is raging.

For the last three weeks, I’d been vacillating between moments of clarity and complete dairy desperation.

Week Three, Day Four

What wasin the fridge at work this morning but UNSWEETENED ALMOND MILK?I literally jumped for joy when I saw it.I made my coffee. I was so excited to have it.

But alas, it was so unsatisfactory. It wasn’t creamy enough. It made me sad.

Week Three, Day Five

Last night, I had my first sex dreamabout cheese. Mozzarella, to be exact. I was thinking about hot, dripping melting moz on fresh cut tomatoes just oozing into my mouth. I’m getting wet just thinking about it now. Oh cheese, I miss you so.

My brother and I were having a conversation in my room later that night. He was talking about “Downton Abbey,” but all I could think about was cheddar cheese cubes.

Fresh and sharp. On toothpicks. Waiting to be devoured.

Week Four

During the final seven days of my perilous, cheese-less, chocolate-deprived diet, I was actually feeling great.My clothes were looser, my abs were more defined, and I was finally used to almond milk. I was even enjoyingit.

Unfortunately, forgoing my cheese addiction led to my developing another addiction to compensate. It came on during week three, but I didnt recognize it was a problem until later.

I became hopelessly obsessed with Amazon.

Over this last weekend, I spent $500 on bullsh*t I did not need, and payday was still 12 days away.

Why did I need three new crop tops, two leotards, a blender, headphones, a fanny pack (I dont want to talk about it, OK?), three berets in various colors and a bunch of bralettes that wouldnt even fit over my D-cup titties? I dont know, but I did. I bought it all.


When all was said and done, I lost five pounds over the four weeks I went dairy free. Khlo definitely did not lead me astray. While losing a few extra pounds was great, it was hard AF.

I ate my weight in ice cream as soon as I found a spoon. Yes, I bought ice cream to have for breakfast after I was finished killing myself, OK? Dont you judge me. Dont you DARE.

I plan to stay away from cheese and milk as much as possible in the future, but cutting dairy out completely for the rest of my life just sounds like a miserable way to live. Give me ice cream or give me death.

Read more:


Comments are closed, but trackbacks and pingbacks are open.